I have not been blogging lately because of the coming ALEVEL finals (13 days from now) Like EVERY ... (OK, it wouldn't be fair to say "every"; well - MOST) students I am feeling nervous and worried.. and at times paranoid about how would I fare for my exams!
And this stress had taken a toll on me (spiritually, mentally & physically) for the past weeks and a couple of weeks back I broke down spiritually. I gave up. I remembered it was on a Thursday (22nd April). I was so frustrated, I went to get myself a radical haircut as a "cry for help" and to distract myself from the crisis I was facing. What's the crisis? I had no faith in God anymore.
I was satissfied with the haircut, although the "style" wasn't quite me but what the heck; as long as it distracts me and that is good enough. :P I went back home shortly after I retrieved my stuff from the library and I took a long nap. That night my discipler called to invite me for a small birthday celebration of a friend of mine. I said OK. He came to pick me up. As soon as he saw me, he spotted the radical difference in me and he asked me whether I am having problems. Reluctantly I admitted and started to talk about my struggles on being a Christian. He sent me back after the birthday celebration and we prayed in the car. I felt much better after the prayer but I still have doubts in my heart...
The next day I went for the KDU Christian Fellowship meeting at about noon and yes, with my radical hairstyle which received quite a bit of "Hoo's & Ha's" from people that know me. Anyway, I attended the meeting and there was this speaker; Brother Anthony which came to share. But the peculiar thing was on that day, he had prepared no particular topic to talk about and came to the meeting solely relying on the Holy Spirit for inspiration on what to share. And he spoke on the matter of FAITH in God. And that was exactly what I was having problems with. He quoted a passage from Mark 4:35-41:
Late that day he said to them, "Let's go across to the other side." They took him in the boat as he was. Other boats came along. A huge storm came up. Waves poured into the boat, threatening to sink it. And Jesus was in the stern, head on a pillow, sleeping! They roused him, saying, "Teacher, is it nothing to you that we're going down?"
Awake now, he told the wind to pipe down and said to the sea, "Quiet! Settle down!" The wind ran out of breath; the sea became smooth as glass. Jesus reprimanded the disciples: "Why are you such cowards? Don't you have any faith at all?"
They were in absolute awe, staggered. "Who is this, anyway?" they asked. "Wind and sea at his beck and call!"
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I read the passage. I saw myself as one of the disciples doubting Jesus' faithfulness and crying out to Him because of my faithlessness. Brother Anthony shared another verse from the Bible which is, Jeremiah 33:3;
"Call to me and I will answer you. I'll tell you marvelous and wondrous things that you could never figure out on your own"
and I knew right away that God was speaking to me through Brother Anthony and God told me that He still answers my call and that I need to just have faith in Him. I was amazed. And we were all praying fervently and some of us were going into tongues... And I made a mental note to go for Confession at first oppurtunity. :)
[ But it didn't end there. ;) ]
On Saturday (which is the next day) I went for a thorough Confession with Father O. C. & received Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament during Holy Communion and praise God! God has given me sufficient grace through these Sacraments and sustained me all this while. And it is only after I receive both Sacraments that I felt liberated; and I know it is because I have responded to Jesus' call, which He said:
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." (Matthew 11:28)
And indeed He gave me rest.
Amen. <><
